Where You From, Cuz?! Not Gay Park Lane!

By: Moe Mack, Free Agent News Syndicate

Hacienda Heights, CA- My old college friends from the Bay Area have some real interesting stories about times they were hazed by new co-workers the moment they got hired. Since one of them used to work as a stripper and another as a bowling alley pin setter, both while earning money for tuition, I can only imagine what those hazing rituals entailed. But, I’m sure that they were much more humorous than the one I had to endure writing my very first story for this paper.

After a slow and overly scenic forty-five minute drive east on the 60 freeway, I finally it made to Hacienda Heights. It’s a nice town, but I’d thank anyone’s G-d that I don’t have to live there; especially on a street called Gay Park Lane. Not that I have a problem with that sort of thing. Anyway, I asked one of the local residents on this street if he and his family liked living where he did. “Do you see any graffiti or hear any loud rap music around here, dumbass? How about any [ethnic slur] peeing in the bushes? I better not catch you doing that!” Touché, you prick. But, perhaps he was on to something. Although no municipal government or law enforcement agency has officially admitted to implementing a plan to name (or renaming) certain streets to embarrass the criminal element into taking illicit activities to a street corner they can be proud of, it didn’t sound like a bad idea to some of them.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a city councilman from a city that isn’t Hacienda Heights, stated that his office kept getting the same suggestions from his constituents. “Yeah, the funniest one came from this old white guy from one of the rougher neighborhoods of the city who wanted to change the street name. One of the gangs here named themselves after the street, you see. He was funny. He said ‘I don’t care if it still sounds Spanish. Name it “Maricon” for all I care. As long as those damn hoodlums get out of the area!’” Why limit this plan to just street names though? Maybe entire cities, states, and even nations could benefit from this renaming plan. Oakland could rename itself Bayside Meadows, California could rename itself Happy Golden Bear, and our country could rename itself France. Of course, that would be after we beat that country in an arm wrestling match and make them change their names to the nation of Chatte.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Some of you wish that this campaign to reduce the crime rate was true. It isn’t. But, we should be envious of those people who are fortunate enough to live on silly-sounding streets. Sure they have to endure countless taunts about how corny the name of their street sounds. But, at least those people don’t have to worry about ‘those people’!]