American Mummy Discovered in Cheyenne

By: Frank D’Alessandro, Trying To Be News

(CHEYENNE, WYOMING) A fourth of July dinosaur dig might be uncalled for our nation’s capital, but finding a human mummy by accident is just plain absurd. Jean Whitman, a 23 year old grad student at the University of Idaho, came across the mummified corpse of a middle aged man, in a dig 20 miles north of the Wyoming state capital.

“So I’m digging and like I see a bandaged arm and then like I freak out like ‘whoa!’, and then everyone helps me get it out and it’s like a mummy and I’m totally freaking out again, but I’m ok now I guess,” says Whitman. Whitman is known to be one of the easily excitable “diggers” at the site.

After intensive DNA analysis, which was commenced a few hours after the find, authorities were able to identify the corpse as Gino Valderisi, a 27 year old man from Chicago, who was known for his collaborations with the Italian Mafia. Valderisi was an important figure for the Chicago based mafia, until 2004, when he suddenly disappeared without a trace.

Many people involved in this event agree that Valderisi was mummified for defying the mafia before his disappearance. The question of how the mafia was able to gain access to a practice that hasn’t been used since 3000 B.C. is raised from these events. This question will most likely remain unanswered due to the fear the entire world has for the mafia.