Bostonian Historian Becomes Five Time Pokémon Champion

By: Frank D’Alessandro, Free Agent News Syndicate

(PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND) For the last five years the New England Pokémon Tournament has been held at the Toys-R-Us in Providence, Rhode Island every September 30th in honor of their mascot’s birthday, Geoffrey. For those five years there has only been one champion. Bostonian historian Jay Uliss won the NEPT for the fifth time, defeating Raymond Scott, also from Boston, in the finals.

Uliss defeated Scott in the singles competition, where they battled for a gruesome 37 minutes. Scott seemingly was on his way to a victory, until Uliss caught a break when Scott’s “Redemption” (level 100 Slaking) missed on a Hyper Beam attack, enabling Uliss’ “Eisenhower” (level 100 Mr. Mime) to set up a substitute, and from there he pretty much put the nail in the coffin.

“I feel like Lance Armstrong!” says the historian. “Mr. Armstrong was accused of doping, I hope I don’t get accused of…. hacking hahaha (snort)!”

Raymond Scott was unavailable for comment, but he was quoted saying “Please buy my next album!”

[EDITOR’S NOTE: The following descriptive account of this New England chowdahead occurrence is fugazi. Although one of the finalists is an actual person, it is very unlikely that he is an avid Pokémon ‘playa’. But if he doesn’t up his hip hop album and magazine sales, then this story will turn into fact soon enough!]